I lack self-esteem

When I am faced with something unknown, I always feel inferior. Sometimes I even get myself worried till I think of all the negative things about me and how I will be unable to pull through.

I sent letters of application to companies back in December. Only last month and this morning did 2 companies called me offering a placement. Guess what? I already got my placement 2 months ago but it is not from my own application, rather I asked my university to apply for me. I should have called. My mom nagged and nagged me about this. It is not because I am lazy that I did not call any of the companies. I felt very very inferior at that time, thinking that I am nothing, just a speck of dust. My mom would not understand. Probably she went through this before like 30 years ago, and it would be like a pebble blocking her way but it felt like a sky scrapper blocking my way. Same way with how easy SPM would be for me now than 4 years back.

Lesson I hope I learned is to have more faith in myself. I am not that bad....

the theory of juggling life

I am afraid i am going to have trust issues in the future. So far, in my degree year, I never thought of any of my coursemates as my real friends. So whenever they cant complete their part of the group assignment, I just do it all. It's okay, doesn't hurt that much. Just lose trust and a bit angry after that. But this week, when finally I regard these two people as my friends among my coursemates, they disappoint me. Cant finish their part of the assignment. I have to take it all again. What to do? Leader, I distribute, they cant do. Either I do it or pass it up incomplete which of course I prefer the first option. But you see, when you regard a person as a friend and if they do this to you, push problems to you, it hurts even more. Not just angry, fucking pissed off is what I am feeling.

How can they have the heart to say things like,

"hard la, i cant do. you help me do la. i do other things"

if the assignment is easy, then it is not an assignment! and they expect me to do it. how am i any different a student from them? Fuck the world!

for this recent milling project i am working on, one of my friend said

"I dont think we can do milling by this week"

of course there is a reason why i want to do it this week. bcoz for next week, many people will be waiting for the machine and its a waste of time to go and wait for your turn or fight with people for the machine. In the end, i finished both our parts without telling him and when i asked him, how is the programming? he did only half and havent even simulated it. Then i told him i finished it already. he replied,"walao, how you do so fast o?" why dont he reply me "walao, why i so slow?"

and for a student, definitely your first priority is to finish your degree right?

this friend of mine is so obsessed with stock market now that he dont even listen when i talk to him. having to repeat and explained over and over again pissed me off even more. and the reason why he cant finish the programming is bcoz of his obsession.

okay lets say u want to learn and play stock trading. have some balance on your studies also for god's sake. For example, when you juggle 3 balls, do you only pay specific attention to one ball?

I am sure the other will fall.

I hate the biggest bullshit of all when you say you got no time then I found out from others that you can go yumcha (drink and chat with friends). Bloody bastard I tell you...I am damn pissed with this shit. Dont give me this shit. It doesnt make sense. You got no time, I got time? Fuck off!

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks to all these shits, I overworked myself and I am sick now.

If this continues, I think I will end up an isolated person who cant work with anyone else cause I cant trust anybody anymore. The more you trust, the more it hurts when you are disappointed.

P/s: telling me you are sorry you can finish on time only makes me feel disgusted. Unless you tell me you are sorry you went yumcha, or obsessed with wateva shit your are obsessed with until you couldnt finsh the stuff distributed to you then I will accept.

To hell with spammers

Finally I decided to add in comment moderation; to review before a comment is published. Why? I dont know where these spammers come from but they just keep spamming here. My escape has been compromised by them. Probably because of the followers thingy and maybe I publicized my blog on facebook. I dont know how to un-follow those that followed my blog but I did get rid of my link in facebook.

Eventhough I have added the "review comment before its published", its still a pain to go and purposely review whether its a spammer or a real person commenting. Haih...Damn you spammers!

Get ready to be pissed

What to expect when you read the article in that URL below...

You wont be happy coz you wont like it

Expect to hear a very one-sided, ignorant rants of a person that has been locked up in his own world for his entire lifetime.

An obviously racist bas*ard that thinks he is not

The writer blaming others for what he cant achieve

To sum it off, stupid...very stupid people for even publishing it in the first place

Fuck you retards (the author and the people who have the same views as him) ..l.. =.= ..l..

http://themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/opinion/breaking-views/61735-orang-cina-malaysia-apa-lagi-yang-anda-mahu--zaini-hassan

basket

Why are some people so darn stupid...or they probably just wants to annoy me so that makes them assholes. today, its particularly about this one jackass, the same jackass in my previouspost and another previous one. Man, this guy has been irritating me a lot.

This time, after compiling the questionnaire for our research and making them into graph and tables, I assigned my group members to certain question for them to elaborate and reason on it. This guy mailed me back asking, "what and where is data 1 and data 2 in my word file?". I was like OH MY GOD! IS HE THAT IGNORANT AND BLIND? I ALREADY PURPOSELY PUT EACH PIE CHART AND TABLE INTO A WORD FILE SO THAT EVERYONE CAN DOWNLOAD ONLY THEIR PART AND FOCUS ON IT. THIS BASKET CAN COME AND ASK ME WHERE IS HIS DATA.

This is what I gave him, (there is a title but after print screen, it disappeared)

If he sees this and dont call it data, I dont know what is data anymore...All the lab reports I have been doing in my past 3 years are not lab reports anymore. I shouldnt be here because I dont know what is data.

Seriously, I get so worked up teaming up with such groupmates. PLEASE OH PLEASE FOR PEOPLE LIKE THIS, DONT EVEN APPROACH ME NEXT TIME FOR ASSIGNMENTS. I DONT WANT TO GET HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE THIS YOUNG!

IDIOTS!!! SCREW YOU

Just the other day I asked my friend, Ping to forgive idiots for being idiots. I take back my words. There is just no way to not get angry with them. Right now, I seriously feel like punching this one guy. How stupid can someone be...given an example as guidance and after thorough briefing by me not forgetting lecture and lecture notes...he still gave me crap. When a thing is deemed to be unusable, it it CRAP!

Gosh, I never tried to avoid talking to anybody as much as I am doing with this guy right now. I now think that it is no use trying to be friendly with this guy because the friendlier you get, the more he gets on your nerves when he gives you crap which is the reason I am getting so darn worked up right now. I dont know what to say anymore...

How about this for a quote, "All idiots should get their head smacked over and over again till they can think straight and if that doesnt work, smacked till they literally LOSE THEIR HEADS" Tete(2010) exclaimed angrily.

haih

Some people I admire them a lot. Why? coz they know what they want. they have their aim. eventhough they suck at studying, they found another thing they like and it earns them money. no need for the degree. some already found what they want to do and they have the talent in it. they are already going for it. what am I doing? I am still drifting...i want to test my potential, i want to know how far i can go, i want to see what i am worth!

A new label added for these type of people

hey tay

listen, me and $%^& just got back from holidays, so we are working in the grading part, tell us how to write about the grading.... like , what to write, you just give some idea to us about it...... like shoud we start with the introduction of grading or just hit to the quoes directly and start writing about it ? and one page is enough???
reply soon

(lazy and stuck-up)

There you go...2 weeks of time and he sent me this one day before the meeting (deadline). If they are not assholes, I dont know what to call them anymore. Damn this is frustrating...International students...just some shit-ass rich people coming here to waste others' time. Dont agree??? PROVE ME OTHERWISE!

A friendly reminder

Earlier on, my small bro came and told me about how his teacher is such a great coach for his house in school. I let him continue...and I got so worked up after that.

His teacher is a total bitch...let me tell you why.

- this is the reason she gave the boy who was looking at the other house practicing, Why are you looking over there? they are losers. Their house colour is the colour of shit.

- this is what she said out loud (everything she said she said it out loud), they dont need to practice already because they are going to lose anyway. Why bother practicing?

And my small brother was so happy he told me, "my teacher damn pro man"....

Well, I thought otherwise...of course I gave my small brother a piece of my mind.

1. I told him, your teacher is a bitch (this word is common vocab used in our conversations)

2. He shouldnt be happy watching someone else criticizing others.

3. I asked him if his friend was on the other house, how would he feel. He didnt answer me.

4. I told him if someone did that to him what would he do. He reply, "just ignore la" which I dont believe he can do.

5. I call him selfish (should be insensitive...but the words came out too fast) for not being able to consider other's feelings.

after that, he went offline...must be pissed at me for ruining his "happy day".

If he grows up to be like his teacher. I am so gonna smack him.

The friendly reminder is: dont treat people like shit eventhough you are better in THAT field. Or else, you will be in my "He/she is a bitch" list.

8 to 10 pm class...=.=

before that, yesterday i went to play basketball. While dribbling towards the rim...jumping towards the rim to be more precise, I lifted the ball up but my left elbow caught something...the opponent's teeth! when I looked back at my elbow after I unexpectedly managed to lucky shot that ball into the rim, I realised a piece of skin with flesh was out of place and there is a hole there. Then blood started oozing out. the blood was thick, dark and viscous. Ignoring it, I continued playing and the blood dried up. when i went back to get a better look at it in the mirror...WTF...its like his two front teeth sunk right into my elbow! not sure whether his teeth is alright...but DAMN, this is definitely gonna leave a scar. I am gonna tell my kids next time, "someone bit your daddy here last time".

This week, is subject registration week. according to schedule, you are supposed to register you subjects you are taking next sem. mine was this wednesday. looking at the timetable for next sem i got furious. WHY? I got classes on mondays and tuesdays at 8pm to 10pm. WTF time is that? Never had a class at that kind of time slot before. It sucks even more if you have morning class, then afternoon, and night then next morning...Thankfully I didnt have that shitty timetable. But night time really sucks. night time is when i do my tutorials, go through my assignments or studies...if it is 8-10...what more can i do after 10? will be tired by then. MMU is accepting more students every year without having enough venue for lectures =.=

Okay, lets say i just take the night classes and swallow it. there, end of story. what freaking irritates me even more is that on friday, i dont have any class (unless i have lab) the whole morning and suddenly i have one at 6 pm in the evening...It is an hour class! OMG! one hour class stopping me from going back to my hometown 4-5 hours earlier...it is like asking me to skip that class...that's not all...you know fridays...muslim prayers...ALL THE CLASS STARTS 30 MINUTES LATER THAN SCHEDULED. meaning instead of 6 pm, its gonna start at 6.30 pm =.=

FTW!

the thing i hate myself most

Recently, I did it again. I hesitated...I mean its just something small but I thought too much about it and gave myself the cold sweat and chickened out. In the end, I regretted. Then, I tortured myself with the imaginary scenes of how I could have done it. This way...or maybe I could have done it that way...maybe like this...and so on until I decided to give an imaginary slap to my brains to snap out of it because at the end of the day...I DID NOT DO ANYTHING!

I dont know why I am like this...and I dont know how to not be like this....

Not everything is what you think it will be

Just saw my results and damn I felt so disappointed. Not that I didnt put in effort in studying. I dont know...It just sucked real bad.

It took me one sem to pull my cgpa up to first class and one sem to drop my cgpa back to second upper. So damn sad man now...

I thought I did quite well in Eng Maths 3 and fluid dynamics but it seems that I was totally wrong. Got B- for the first and B for the latter. Even the Materials Engineering which I thought was a goner, I got B+ for it...WTF man...wtf...

The only subject supporting me was Basic management, accounting and economics...Lucky I got A for it....but come on...I am doing engineering and I couldnt get good results for my core subjects...this type of results can make someone feel so darn pathetic...

Oh yeah...forgot one more...Intro to dont know what power shit etc...also got B. =.=

Damn asshole la, Dr. Moley

1. My lecturer is an asshole...Why? Look at this below...

You must be thinking its only a replacement class, right? Let me tell you when she posted it. Today! (11/9) This have not just happened once. Last week I have three hours class, it is devided into 2 days, both days she posted at that day itself just about an hour or less before class. Everybody went to class and waited for her...Damn lebih...

2. This photo has been taken for a purpose. For my assignment front cover! The lecturer? Mr. Beh! In case you dont know him, I linked it to my previous post with his picture.

His souvenir from Japan to us, a small tiny clip that he found to be cute =.=

Not everyone got it. Only for Group B of the assignment has the chance to get it. (Group A does the assignment question and Group B marks Group A assignment) Why not everybody? He didnt have enough for all, so first come first get!

Besides this, he also showed pictures he took in Japan in the lecture class.

3. Recently in my campus, there are a lot of this sign all around. Nothing weird right? The only thing I want to point out is why must there be the word "WARNING" there. It's like saying "this area is monitored so dont do anything stupid and waste our time". Erm...actually nothing weird la...haha

4. Today is the first time I am eating at Nando's. There is this offer where you buy two sets of 1/4 chicken meal and pay 3/4 for it. I ordered the hot peri-peri flavour.

There were four types of sauces to go with the meal. Extra hot (below), hot, garlic and tomato. The extra hot sauce is not something to be reckon with. IT IS HOT!

Midterm Break!!

Hell Yeah! I got a week holiday!

All those assignments, lab reports, midterm test, quizzes, social work, presentation can get the hell outta my face for awhile. It has been so very annoying having all these things bugging me. It's like listening to fingernails scratching on a wooden surface which produces screeches that makes you wanna take a hammer and slam it on whoever's hand it is.

The first thing that spoiled my holiday....I havent reached home and it already disturbed my happiness. It is the F***ING POLLUTED AIR. My throat is so darn itchy right now because of the polluted air. You know what....screw the censorship! FUCK YOU INDONESIAN AGRICULTURE! FUCK YOU FOR RUINING MY HOLIDAY MOOD!

Now that that has been released...I feel somewhat better. HAPPY HOLIDAYS STUDENTS OF MMU.

Over at last

I cant say i did very well in this finals but I guess it was okay...

After one week of somewhat continuous exams, I have many things in mind that I want to do...

1. Finish up my Angels & Demons
2. Catch up with One Piece (manga)
3. Watch whatever movie my roommate has that I am interested in
4. Dota as I wish
5. Basically spend most of my time in front of my pc
6. Prepare to shift to new apartment in Malacca

There is only one thing that is getting on my nerves right now...THE FREAKING LAGGING CONNECTION. Opening a website and waiting for it to load and in the end showing me "unable to load webpage" or "connection timed out" is just freaking ridiculous eventhough 7 peoples are sharing a 1 mb line. I know the reason why its lagging ike this...just trying to bare with it for a little longer...

Imagine watching your favourite show on astro and having some clouds causing interruption receiving signal...that's the frustration I am feeling right now...FUCK!

Someone's being a selfish biatch...

Expiry date...

Damn yesterday I forgot the most important thing of being a consumer...
CHECKING THE BLOODY EXPIRY DATE!

I bought a pack of pudding (3 cups inside) saying buy 1 free 1 (so total I have 6 cups) for RM5.90. Tempted by greediness, I took the pack without the curiosity to find out why is it so cheap...

Later when I got back, I opened one cup and it stinks horribly...then I realised the expiry date was one month ago. The worst part was that I treat my friend a cup...it was supposed to be a thank you treat for giving me medicine for my severe gastric recently. It's like giving poison to the person who just saved your life...

Guess where I bought it from...JUSCO! BLOODY MANAGER OF AYER KEROH JUSCO!

Holy Crap-ing

I am so not following my schedule...its supposed to be 3 days per subject and I will manage to finish studying by this next saturday but...I AM SO BEHIND SCHEDULE!

HOLY CRAP!!!!

The weather is not helping in any way...ITS SO BLARDY HOT! Makes me sleepy....

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

OMG OMG...What am I supposed to do...How nice it would be to have a button that wipes away all pollutions around the world...then tomorrow will definitely be cooler...NAH!!IMPOSSIBLE!

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!*pulling my hair and clenching my jaws*

Anyone under any kind of stress or frustration, you are free to come and join me Holy Crap-ing but I am not to be blame if you lose your hair from pulling it or your teeth move out of place for clenching your jaw too hard..

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!ITS JUST A WEEK AWAY...

I better get some sleep...

Why I got this eerie feeling someone is backstabbing me...

Lately today I got this feeling that someone is either backstabbing me or bad mouthing me behind my back...Shiet...Damn hate this type of feeling...

IF WHAT I AM FEELING IS RIGHT....WHOEVER THE HELL IT IS COME FORWARD AND TELL ME IN THE FACE WHAT HAVE I DONE TILL YOU DO THIS TO ME...

If what I am feeling is wrong...SHIT! I am being paranoid...

I am...

not good enough...

Tete tete...

You are just not good enough to jump over that "wall". The wall is just too good for you...

"It" is broken again...Hurts man...hurts...

Seriously dont know what's wrong with me...

Update
I didnt know that letting go was harder than I thought...maybe I shouldnt give up but at the same time shouldnt put too much hope in it. It's like balancing on a tight rope...

Never thought that my 100th post will be an emo one...

Update 2
Arghh...forget it! LoL