I lack self-esteem

When I am faced with something unknown, I always feel inferior. Sometimes I even get myself worried till I think of all the negative things about me and how I will be unable to pull through.

I sent letters of application to companies back in December. Only last month and this morning did 2 companies called me offering a placement. Guess what? I already got my placement 2 months ago but it is not from my own application, rather I asked my university to apply for me. I should have called. My mom nagged and nagged me about this. It is not because I am lazy that I did not call any of the companies. I felt very very inferior at that time, thinking that I am nothing, just a speck of dust. My mom would not understand. Probably she went through this before like 30 years ago, and it would be like a pebble blocking her way but it felt like a sky scrapper blocking my way. Same way with how easy SPM would be for me now than 4 years back.

Lesson I hope I learned is to have more faith in myself. I am not that bad....

Interfaith talk 19: Life after death

*Sensitive issue, please stop reading if at any time you find my review is offensive. You have been warned.*

This is what I summarized from the talk from the 4 speakers.

Religion A:

Aim: To be at god's feet (stop of rebirth)

Drive: Good Karma and rebirths

Religion B:

Aim: To live in heaven with fellow believers

Drive: After life justice and believing in ......(the impression I get is fear)

Religion C:

Aim: Get out of the "samsara" cycle (rebirth)

Drive: Achieving balance, no good karma, no bad karma

Religion D:

Aim: Go to heaven, live in pleasure

Drive: Believe in.... and that pleasure is awaiting

Question I asked: When we are reborn we carry the karma of the past but not our memories. What thinking should we have when we are faced with a suffering that is possibly due to bad karma that we dont remember accumulating?

Answer: We must understand that this sufferings are due to karma and accept it openly, whole-heartedly.

What I think: Probably the speaker is right, when you accept something openly, whole-heartedly, it hurts less than trying to reason out, "why me? what have I done?". That said, it is also not easy to accept suffering unlike accepting joy and happiness.

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Unlike the other questions by other students such as, "what is in 'your' heaven?", I think mine is more practical. By asking what your heaven has to offer, are you implying that if the other religion offers a better heaven, I will ditch my religion and join that religion.

This is a personal view, I find it offensive when someone says, I will be punished for not accepting a certain religion when I die.

Engineering...busy course

Recently, I joined this even called, "Can You Talk?". The reason is to of course improve my presentation and communication skills. Of course, I would not just simply join an event like this but Siraj (my orientation committee MC) was part of the organizing committee and he is a great MC. So, I decided why not...It was interesting minus the lectures on communications. There I even got to practice being an MC in front of the other contestants of course with a given situation. I did pretty well I guess. The only thing I actually want to improve is to take notice of my audience instead of ignoring them.

Back in secondary school, one of my seniors gave me an advice to ignore the crowd, sort of like look pass through them, then you wont be afraid. Since then, it has become a habit that I dont look into my audiences' eyes and just ignored them. However, I think to be a perfect presenter, you must take notice of your audiences' facial expression in order to change your presentation style according to them, in other words, a dynamic presenter. The advice they gave me was, why must you be afraid? what is the reason to be afraid? then once you know that there is nothing to be afraid of, then you wont be afraid anymore.

After the one day training camp, I felt more confident already. Even after 3 years presenting in MMU, I still get shaky legs when I talk in front of a crowd. Then, there was a competition. First part is to choose whether to be an MC for a formal event or an informal event, or choose to broadcast (like those in supermarket telling you there is a sale) or choose to be a tv host where you have to interview someone. I chose to be an informal MC because I tried formal MC back in the training camp already. So, I wanted something different and formal MC is quite fixed the things you have to do. The most exciting part is, my exam and the competition is just an hour away. So, I did my part and went for my exam and came back to continue the second part of the competition. For the second part of the competition, we have to do a public speaking. I got this super lame title which is, "plants have feelings too"...we were given 5 minutes and I used like 2 minutes to explain the various possibilities that plants might have feelings all the time thinking, "what the hell?! plants dont have feelings". When I stopped the judges was like, "that's it???". I told them that I dont have anything else to say and it is against my belief that plants have feelings. Then they asked me to tell them why. So, I continued with plants got no soul etc.

In the end, I did not win the competition but I got to know from the judges that I got number 3 and I am the best informal MC among the rest. HUAHAHAHA. Proud like hell.

Now I get to my title. Comparing to business or whatever, I feel that Engineering students has the least time to hang around and join clubs and societies without compromising their studies. Why? I will tell you why. Long sem, Engineering students, max 6 subjects. For the six subjects 5 subjects got lab (like what I am having now). Taking an average of 2 lab sessions per subject, that makes each subject 6 hours of lab session. 6 times 5 equals an additional 30 hours per semester for engineering. To add to it, 5 subjects times 2 lab sessions each equals 10 lab sessions. 10 lab sessions equals 10 lab reports. Add with assignments for each subject, midterm for each subject, where got time left to spend on club activities or join events....after whole day in campus, come back to have some personal time, then sleep. To make it worse, the assignments dont promote socializing unless of course if you are asking for answers from your coursemates.

Void

Happy Father's Day have always been plain to me. Every year on this day, I feel nothing. My father is not someone I am proud of and has been like a ghost throughout my life. So, when everyone gets psyched about Father's Day and what they should get for their fathers. I feel a bit left out. One thing my father taught me is to not become like him.

o.o

Finally I realised what has come over me.

I think its called maturity, where you think less about yourself and start to care more about others.

After coming back from NS, I felt a little weird. Like I am not myself. I had trouble trying to search for what I was like before. Took me sometime to embrace the new me and now I finally understood what actually came over me. Now, I can proudly say that I am...no more as selfish and self-centered like before. The word "I" is less meaningful to me now but somehow I still miss it though. It was nice having to not think about everyone else but yourself. I feel that thinking the world revolves around me, makes me feel so........important. haha...

20 and what it means to me

Since I am the youngest in my group of friends in Malacca, I once teased a friend of mine, Chu Hui. She was going on about being 20 as in already old. Then, I would tease her saying I still have the number 1 in in my age and that I am young. Now, I have reached 20 but unlike her I am not worried about being old. More about what that 20 means.

For me, 20 means the start of climbing that ladder to success that I have taken 20 years to build. The thing is I havent finished building that ladder and I am starting to doubt the stability of that ladder. Recently, my last semester's result really gave me a slap in the face. I have been slacking off and that makes my scared. Scared I wont be able to fortify my ladder to bring me to the top and I will just tumble down like Humpty Dumpty.

20 also means responsibility, more independence. Independence as in I must be able to feed and take care of myself without relying on my parents anymore and be responsible of my well-being. Taking care of my parents...maybe later after I am able to take care of myself.

But if you ask me whether I want to turn back time and be 10 again. My answer is " HELL NO! ". Why move back and repeat things you already done? I say we go forward and do things we never do before!

haih

Some people I admire them a lot. Why? coz they know what they want. they have their aim. eventhough they suck at studying, they found another thing they like and it earns them money. no need for the degree. some already found what they want to do and they have the talent in it. they are already going for it. what am I doing? I am still drifting...i want to test my potential, i want to know how far i can go, i want to see what i am worth!

The Great Dr. Nabil

In the previous post, remember how I said he gave me crazy workload. Actually he is purposely making us practice the questions so that we will have enough time during the exam. Yesterday's test, I managed to complete the question together with a few people. The rest couldnt complete it due to the time.

Yesterday too, he announced that we will never ever need to see his face again after the final exam coming up. In other words, he is leaving MMU. There goes a good lecturer...He is supposed to teach me tribology in my final year but I dont think I will be taking it anymore now that he is gone. Nobody in MMU can compare to his teaching style. Well, applied to Mechanical Engineering only of course. He gives all his heart and soul when he is teaching. With all the gestures, the examples he tries to make you visualize and understand the situation.

Unlike other lecturers, eventhough he knows he is leaving, he still put in effort to embed, hammer, solder (whatever you want to call it) his knowledge on the subject into our heads, hence, the workload. He wants to make sure the information stays in our head cause its Engineering Design after all. One day we are sure to make use of it unless, we dont intend to be an engineer.

I have been slacking off a bit since my first year in degree because, sorry to say, the lecturers lack the inspiration to teach. They are more like a zombie than us. Dr. Nabil on the other hand, had just jump start my engine again and hopefully this time my engine will preserve for a long time. My most sincere thanks to him.

Short and discreet....

You cant see through a Gemini if he/she doesnt want you to see...

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The "devil" I must conquer...Too strong...really too strong...

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Now I see your influence...I cant be compared to the likes of you...I gotta find my own way...I cant walk yours or I will forever be walking in your shadows...

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Nice event...

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Nice movie...Wolverine...

Found some stuff I wrote back in High School...

You have tried your best
You have done what you can
You have wrote
and wrote
for almost a month
Finally, it is over
all you can do is pray
I will pray for you hoping you get what you want

(something to do with wishing someone after SPM)


So far our eyes can see
Even better with the gadjets we invent
No matter the land or the sea
It can never reveal the heart's content

Across the desert and up the hill
I travel the world in search of you
Wondeful people there are a few
And among them, there is you

Instead of seperating, we combine the two
The more the merrier, no one's a fool
Happy Chinese New Year my wish to you
Here is a birthday present sincerely for you

(Gave someone a birthday present)


To the person who lightened up my teenage life...

I want you to know the importance of having you in my life
The day I met you,
My life flowered with beautiful petals.
The more I know you, the more I am showered by the kindness of your heart.

The beauty of you,
The finest, slightest action you do,
Inspires my life with wonderful ideas.

You changed me,
Motivated me,
Helped me
to give life and colour my journey discovering the world of a teenager

The hope of having you to bring me
towards the end of my life
lies strong within my heart.

(Emo time I guess xD)


Dinding tembok bukan penghalang
Akan kusampai padamu juga
Diriku kusumpah taat setia
Bulan bintang saksi selamanya.

Bertemu seorang gadis jelita
Budi bahasa setinggi menara
Yang dikejar, rama-rama
Kupula seekor kupu-kupu.

(Holy crap...Malay version also got)


Did this for the process of letting go. Now that I read this back, OMG...since when I talk like that...Haha

Sem 3 of Beta, bring it on!

After flopping last semester, I made myself a new determination..."return to the way I was back in Foundation".

Today I realised something...I actually spaced out during lecture. When I gave thought about it, I never did that before during foundation...so why am I doing it now? then I thought about it harder...Oh! I get it! I dont feel the thirst for "A"s like I used to before...I wonder what made me changed. Was it taking a long break or was it exposure to life where all you need was survival skills rather than a degree (National Service). Today I sort of felt the "thirst" again. It's like having drive a BMW for the first time making you feel like never driving any other car again (though I havent drive a BMW before). I think once I manage to find my thirst back, I will be back on track. For the time being I will do my best to make sure I dont flop anymore before I regain my thirst.

My thirst? It's the thirst for "A"s not for knowledge. I want my effort to be acknowledged with "A"s. I am not doing it so that I gain more knowledge. Gaining knowledge is just a side dish like a nice colour to a BMW.

3 on 3, King of the Court and...Happy Birthday Irene!

This morning was the 3 on 3 game...this morning's problem is no first aid kit...the rest went well.
We even had a team of our own consist of me, Ravi, Jack and Hei Lek. For the group stage we were lucky to get into a group where there isnt much pro team. We managed to get first in the group. Then came quarter-finals...this time a bit very unlucky coz we met the team that eventually became the champion of the 3 on 3. Super strong team of International Students (Roy, Zorro, Andre and Zayad). Well, it went well so...satisfied.

Next was King of The Court, Shu Yi (aka Gao Lao) won above 175cm category and Zayad won below 175cm.

At night, we were invited to Irene's house to celebrate her birthday party. When I saw her house, my jaw dropped...*speechless*. Damn paiseh when want to enter her house compound. Most of the girls there wore dresses...including the birthday girl...all also "beautiful" looking (the term I use for describing pretty girls with womanly look). WOW! Then there was this one girl who wore a mini skirt so mini you can almost but couldnt not see her......

The interior of the house was excellent, it's like a perfect home with everything you need just a stone throw away. Then, I realised one thing, this family is a peaceful one cause you can feel the peaceful atmosphere surrounding the whole house. Took some pictures and then sang the birthday song for Irene then ate some cake, walk around the house and chatted...then went home.

After going to Irene's house I doubted myself whether I will ever be able to achieve something like that. So, I now set myself another goal for me to achieve...a nice spacy and peaceful home so that my future family will always have a place to retreat to from the harshness of the outside world and my future kids to grow up in a good environment (thought too far ahead, get a home first...get a home first). I will achieve this with my own hands! My own sweat and blood!

I can never be a fortune teller!

Prediction / Actual result

COMPUTER AND PROGRAM DESIGN ......A+ A
ENGINEERING MATHEMATICS I ............C B+
BASIC ELECTRICAL TECHNOLOGY.........B A-
PRINCIPLES OF THERMODYNAMICS.......B- B
APPLIED STATICS............................A A

What the crap...only one prediction correct...Next time whoever it is, dont ask me to predict...Lousy at it XD

A for computer wasn't expected, I thought I did very well...Guess I wasn't geeky enough...

Engine Maths wasn't expected also...I thought I did pretty badly failing to answer...many questions.

Electrical, I didnt know what I did but an A-...the lecturer is too kind....

Thermo...deng...I failed midterm and the highest I calculated I can get is A- but of course I can't be perfect...B is okay...was hoping I could at least pull it back to a B+...too high hopes XD (hope and prediction is two different things, and I got the one in the middle)

Applied Statics...no comment cause my prediction was right...I am born to do this! Haha...getting a bit cocky here! I hope I won't do badly in Applied Dynamics...

My GPA for my first sem in degree is 3.6668 rounded up to 3.67 which is freaking borderline first class...a bit crappy compared to my foundation results...well foundation is foundation and degree is degree...I know a lot of people will dulan me writing like this but this is my target and this is what I aim for! Say what you want...I have my goals to achieve

Walao...noob meh

I remembered drawing this picture in NS during one session of CB (character building...not the cb you are thinking about) class. Those who were in the same class with me will understand why I darken one side of the people in the background and by guessing, you will be able to know it too. But now it seems like the picture has changed...it is supposed to be like this instead...

Why? This noob in the black and white stripes is alrady 50 and still cannot think for himself. Well, some people might argue that he is living in the moment. Whatever happens next, it does not matter...Well, this is what I got to say, "Fuck you for being a 50 years old perverted old fart and receive the punishment you deserve!".
Haha, I cursed...and somebody trying to act hero at the wrong time, here is what I gotta say, "He is 50 years old omg...until when will he learn...let him be...he knows what was coming". But of course I cannot say that to his face...

Both also noob...NOOB!

This is quite obvious...LOL...Argh...deng! Who gives a shit! This is the path I shall remember never to take! Thanks for the lesson! Bloody old fart...

Just for me to remember what I wrote (in Zellent's blog)

Q1 : What do you do currently, as in college/university course(s) or specific profession(s) and is that/are those what you really love?

A1. I am doing a degree in Mechanical Engineering and up until now I am not sure whether I am loving it or will love it. I chose it because it is the one thing I know I am good at. If given lots of time, I will go through every single course there is on this planet and find the one I really like but that would take a lifetime...

Q2: Why? Is it/are those because you wanted to or needed to?

A2. I need to get a degree anyway if I am to come out and get myself a nice job. So Engineering is my path and Mechanical because I dont really like electric, too abstract!